Courtship
Genesis 3:16 - "To the woman he said, 'I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you'” (NIV).
Genesis 3:17 - "To Adam he said, 'Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat of it,’ 'Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life'" (NIV).
Proverbs 31:10 - "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies" (NIV).
2 Corinthians 6:14 - "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness" (NIV)?
1 Timothy 5:1-2 - "Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" (NIV).
Many people treat dating like going to a clothing store. You browse through the clothes, try something on, see if it fits, take it back, try something else on, etc. In beginning relationships with the opposite sex, we are prone to "try on" different people. We call it dating around to find the right match. Our hope is that someday we will happen upon our soulmate -- the one designed to fulfill all our dreams and meet all our needs.
God does not want us to treat each other like clothes on a rack -- to be tried on, then discarded. He is very intentional with us. In the same way, he wants us to be intentional with each other. When we put all of our hopes on a person -- whether male or female -- we will end up empty and deeply disappointed (see Gen. 3:16-17). God does not call us together as a man and woman for the purpose of getting our needs met, but rather to sacrificially give to the other person. Why do you desire to date and ultimately get married? It is important to be clear about your ultimate purpose. Otherwise, a great possibility of disappointment lies ahead of you.
In other words, we should pass all of our desires and attraction with the opposite sex through our Father in heaven. For it is the Father who called man and woman to be together (Gen. 2:18, 24). He really is into boy-girl relationships! Trust him with your hopes and desires. Approach the opposite sex with intentionality, if you have a sense from your Father to move forward. Pray first, then act! Although you don't know yet if that person will become your spouse, be intentional to court someone where there would be a good potential of marriage. Otherwise, you are simply playing with someone's heart and emotions. Courting implies intentionality, whereas dating implies trying people out.
What do you look for in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex? A hair color, a body build, a certain temperament, a spiritual quality? Remember, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Prov. 31:30). God made us to be physically and relationally attracted to one another. But, don't let externals dominate your view. Allow God to show you the qualities that he has invested in a person. It takes time to see these qualities to come out. So, don't rush the beginning of a special relationship. Hang out in friend groups with the person you are interested in. Observe how they interact in the group, what they laugh at, how they express friendship, and how they like to spend time. At a most basic level, the person you are interested in should follow Jesus as Lord of his/her life (1 Cor. 7:39). Ultimately, ask God if it is right to ask a person into a special relationship. Remember, this is not a marriage proposal. But rather, you are just taking the next step that God is laying before you. He loves walking with you in this process.
In a courting relationship, how should we treat each other? Allow your relationship to move forward in a God-directed and balanced way. Don't get ahead of God's leading. Wait for his indication that you should move into deeper waters in the relationship. Too many boy-girl relationships are wrecked when expressions of commitment are expressed far too early, whether verbally, emotionally or physically. It is clear from Scripture that the marriage bed is to be kept pure -- i.e. no pre-marital sex (Heb. 13:4). But, in a legalistic sense, we can try to get as close to sex as possible without actually doing it. This is never God's heart for us. Remember, until you are married to someone, they should be treated as someone else's spouse. In the same way, we can get emotionally tied to another person through words spoken ("I love you.") and time spent. Be sure that you don't jump ahead of God's guidance and timing. When we are intentional with one another, God's mercy covers us, even when a courtship does not work out.
For More Study
Thoughts and Questions for Application
Memorization
Mark 10:6-9 - “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" (NIV).
Genesis 3:17 - "To Adam he said, 'Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat of it,’ 'Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life'" (NIV).
Proverbs 31:10 - "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies" (NIV).
2 Corinthians 6:14 - "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness" (NIV)?
1 Timothy 5:1-2 - "Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" (NIV).
Many people treat dating like going to a clothing store. You browse through the clothes, try something on, see if it fits, take it back, try something else on, etc. In beginning relationships with the opposite sex, we are prone to "try on" different people. We call it dating around to find the right match. Our hope is that someday we will happen upon our soulmate -- the one designed to fulfill all our dreams and meet all our needs.
God does not want us to treat each other like clothes on a rack -- to be tried on, then discarded. He is very intentional with us. In the same way, he wants us to be intentional with each other. When we put all of our hopes on a person -- whether male or female -- we will end up empty and deeply disappointed (see Gen. 3:16-17). God does not call us together as a man and woman for the purpose of getting our needs met, but rather to sacrificially give to the other person. Why do you desire to date and ultimately get married? It is important to be clear about your ultimate purpose. Otherwise, a great possibility of disappointment lies ahead of you.
In other words, we should pass all of our desires and attraction with the opposite sex through our Father in heaven. For it is the Father who called man and woman to be together (Gen. 2:18, 24). He really is into boy-girl relationships! Trust him with your hopes and desires. Approach the opposite sex with intentionality, if you have a sense from your Father to move forward. Pray first, then act! Although you don't know yet if that person will become your spouse, be intentional to court someone where there would be a good potential of marriage. Otherwise, you are simply playing with someone's heart and emotions. Courting implies intentionality, whereas dating implies trying people out.
What do you look for in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex? A hair color, a body build, a certain temperament, a spiritual quality? Remember, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Prov. 31:30). God made us to be physically and relationally attracted to one another. But, don't let externals dominate your view. Allow God to show you the qualities that he has invested in a person. It takes time to see these qualities to come out. So, don't rush the beginning of a special relationship. Hang out in friend groups with the person you are interested in. Observe how they interact in the group, what they laugh at, how they express friendship, and how they like to spend time. At a most basic level, the person you are interested in should follow Jesus as Lord of his/her life (1 Cor. 7:39). Ultimately, ask God if it is right to ask a person into a special relationship. Remember, this is not a marriage proposal. But rather, you are just taking the next step that God is laying before you. He loves walking with you in this process.
In a courting relationship, how should we treat each other? Allow your relationship to move forward in a God-directed and balanced way. Don't get ahead of God's leading. Wait for his indication that you should move into deeper waters in the relationship. Too many boy-girl relationships are wrecked when expressions of commitment are expressed far too early, whether verbally, emotionally or physically. It is clear from Scripture that the marriage bed is to be kept pure -- i.e. no pre-marital sex (Heb. 13:4). But, in a legalistic sense, we can try to get as close to sex as possible without actually doing it. This is never God's heart for us. Remember, until you are married to someone, they should be treated as someone else's spouse. In the same way, we can get emotionally tied to another person through words spoken ("I love you.") and time spent. Be sure that you don't jump ahead of God's guidance and timing. When we are intentional with one another, God's mercy covers us, even when a courtship does not work out.
For More Study
- Genesis 24
- Proverbs 6-7
- Proverbs 31:10-31
- 1 Corinthians 7:1-9, 36-38
- 2 Corinthians 6:14 - 7:1
Thoughts and Questions for Application
- Sometimes, we end up dating people, because we are afraid we will never get married. Have you ever done this? Perhaps you've dated someone, because you're lonely. What is God's desire for you?
- Have you let your heavenly Father hear your desires, your attractions, and your feelings for someone of the opposite sex? Will you let him direct you one step at a time?
- Do you find yourself flirting in order to get attention from the opposite sex? Flirting only leads to hurt and disappointment. How much time have you spent seeking God for his best for you?
- Seek God about a current relationship you might be in. Are you following his pace? Ask God for wisdom in how to move forward.
Memorization
Mark 10:6-9 - “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" (NIV).
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